Ask Christa: Commitment Ultimatums & Premarital Sex

"Do men have to be offered an ultimatum to settle down or for marriage? Is sex a requirement for love or a lasting relationship?"

*insert exasperated emoji here*

You can offer all of the ultimatums that you'd like. But if a man isn't ready to settle down for a committed relationship and/or marriage, he won't do either. If there isn't anything about you that makes him want to commit, then he won't. 

What's the rush anyway? It seems like a lot of women are born ready to be in a relationship and eventually, a wife. It's a dream that's been planned out for years but it won't come true if both parties aren't on the same page.

I'm not saying that the man of your dreams doesn't exist. I'm saying that you may be too busy requiring too much from unworthy candidates. Or you may be requiring too much too soon. Been there, done that, learned from that mistake.

So talk to your guy. Find out where his head is AND pay attention to his actions. Then, make your decisions accordingly. 

Now, is sex needed to establish love or a lasting relationship?

It depends on what your beliefs are.

I grew up in church, where a woman's body is hailed as sacred. A woman's virginity is damn near priceless. Save yourself until marriage, they say. Let Jesus be your boyfriend while you patiently wait for Mr. Right. Remain celibate until your wedding night. It'll be difficult but hold on to God's unchanging hand. But in the meantime, conceal your sexuality. Don't tempt a man like Eve tempted Adam. Blah blah blah. 

See, that's the problem with a lot of church folk. They blindly listen to what the pastor says instead of cross referencing the Bible for themselves. There are a lot of single church going women out here who are MISERABLE, in part because they take what their pastor says at face value, in hopes of finding a good church going man. There are a lot of gay men in the church that could qualify as a good church going man; however, we won't go down that road today.

But I digress.

I don't believe that sex is the only thing needed to establish a relationship or even love, but I do think that it's important within a relationship. It's one of the first ways that intimacy is established. Is it a necessity? To a select few, no. But while it may not be a deal breaker for you, it can be the opposite for him.

Direct communication is key. Don't ever waste your time with someone who is incompatible with you. While it may not be your deal breaker, it can be his! 

Thanks so much for your questions! You've helped to inspire a future post about premarital sex! Please share your comments and opinions! Peace!