New Year, Same Me?

Happy 2014 to all of my lovely readers! I hope that your new year has started off beautifully and you've made resolutions that are not only realistic but fanciful as well...because who are we not to fulfill our dreams and fantasies? I began 2014 with a resolution that I'd never thought I'd make...


I was one of those people who complained about those who exclaimed that they were looking forward to the new year because it would give them the opportunity to hit the reset button and start over. I'd roll my eyes and say, "Yeah right! You're going to be up to your same old ways before January 31st comes around."

And then one day, I stopped myself. Who am I to tell someone that they can't start a new chapter in their life? Why wouldn't anyone look forward to the start of a brand new year?

The last day of 2013 ended with a revelation about myself that rocked my world. I'd gotten into a heated argument with a loved one, which is completely unlike myself because I hate to argue and I especially hate reacting on impulse and out of anger.

But I needed to release those feelings. Sure, I could've gone about it in a more rational way but I was past being rational.

I'm not a person who can be read easily. I'm an introvert so I hold a lot in. Too often I've found myself completely overwhelmed with issues that I've should've immediately dealt with and resolved. But most times, it was easier for me to bottle it in and put it away, with the half promise of dealing with it later, which I never did until I was pushed beyond the limit.

On Dec 31, 2013, I found myself crying until I was red in the face because my loved one helped me to realize that I am not an open person and the reason was because I'd been taught to keep secrets as a child. And at the age of 27, I was still doing that same exact thing.

A light bulb immediately went off in my head! Whomever said that your past shapes you into who you are today was absolutely right. I'd been such a secretive, reserved person because that's who I'd been taught to be.

I've definitely come out of my shell in these past few years. I've explored different hobbies, done things that have helped me to discover an even more independent side of me, travelled, etc. But something was still missing.

I began to question why I do certain things. One of those things was effectively communicating with my family. I've noticed that a lot of family issues stem from poor communication. I told my family that we couldn't go down that road. If we had a problem with someone, talk it out. Seems simple right?

It's always easier said than done, especially if the person who's preaching (me) hasn't dealt with their own communication issues. I thought I was a person who'd learned how to not only engage in conversation, but initiate it and keep it going.

I was wrong. Growing up, I was taught to keep things close to you so that no one could use that information to ever hurt you.

As an adult in a world where nearly every detail can be shared via social networks, I choose to limit what I shared. But within my own social circles, I was still unknowingly limiting what I told was going on in my life. I'd be the listener, hardly the talker. I'd offer advice, laugh, comment when necessary and when the questions turned to me, I'd give a generic answer.

That's not who I am. My life isn't perfect but I think my life is rather colorful. I have a dry sense of humor, a very adventurous side, and several artistic talents that only select people know about.

I realized on that night that I was closing myself off to the world, the same world who I wanted to learn about and explore. It had to end. I couldn't keep who I am a secret for fear of judgement, failure, or ridicule.

Now, I still won't tell every detail of my life because some moments and experiences should be private but I'll definitely open myself up more. I like it when people tell me that I'm a much more fun person that I initially appeared. I have layers of personality that I'd love for everyone who's met me to experience.

I ended that conversation with my loved one with extreme gratitude for helping me to see how I could free myself. Constructive criticism can be a beautiful thing if you listen with an open mind and heart. Thank God I wasn't too upset to listen because I would've missed out on one of the biggest life lessons I think I've learned so far.

 I shake my head at how long I've kept myself closed off in just about every personal and impersonal relationship that I've had but I'm grateful for that moment of recognition. It immediately changed my life. I left that mask of perfection that I was wearing in 2013.

I'm a happier person because of it. I feel so much more free than I've felt...ever! Going into this new year, I know that there will be times where I'm going to be tested, made uncomfortable, pissed off, disappointed, etc. But now, I know how to deal with it: openly, honestly, and directly.

I hope you take a look within yourself and make a conscious effort to improve how you deal with life.You're never too old to learn new things about yourself!!

Thanks for reading! Peace!!