Interracial Dating: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

One would think that the topic of interracial dating could be brought up in a discussion to openly exchange views. I was wrong. Interracial dating is still a subject that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, whether they're in an interracial relationship or not. I've found that there are four types of perspectives when it comes to interracial dating. 1) Those who enjoy and are comfortable dating outside of their race. 2) Those who think about it but don't care either way. 3) Those who don't support it, either passively or assertively. 4) Ones who refuse to date their own race and do so with an agenda.

I recently went on a quest to discover why black men date outside of their race, both exclusively and non exclusively. Because I wanted to gain a wide perspective, I asked men ranging from the ages of 18-50. I talked with family members, friends, associates, old colleagues, etc. Here are some of most common/ interesting answers that I received:

• "They are more supportive." 30 Whether he wants to pursue a career in aviation after being an accountant for 10+ years, or if he loses his job, he isn't constantly berated or emasculated when he's with a non black woman. 
• Pornography. Most boys are introduced to porn at a young age. The most common race of woman in porn is white. The young mind isn't fully developed during adolescence, making his first visuals of a woman's naked body his most impressionable. Not to mention that black men with white women in pornography is highly fetishized.
• "They're more approachable." Black women have a detailed itemized list of qualifications that only fit fictional movie characters, millionaires, or their father (if he's even positively involved in her life).And that list is often revealed within the first few days of meeting." The pressure to be Mr. Right, right then and there, is too much and often scares them away. That pressure is dramatically lessened when getting to know a woman of another race because she immediately accepts him as he is. 
• Social Conditioning. "I'm done dating black women because they're just like those ratchet VH1 'reality' tv shows that they love to watch: loud, ghetto, promiscuous, too many children with more than one baby daddy, etc.  I'm going to date (insert non black race here) women because they're not like that at all." Or advice from an older friend who he looks up to: "Ay bruh, get you a (insert non black race here) and stop dealing with that black girl attitude and all of her emotional baggage."
• Media Conditioning. The standard of beauty in pop culture and media doesn't reflect what the world really looks like. From movies to television to music, the majority of women that are reflected in a positive light are European. If black women are largely ignored in the media, which has an influence on how we live our lives, how can the black man be expected to do the opposite? 
• "Black girls rejected me in school." The once unnoticed, unpopular, skinny boy who was rejected by his black girl crush(es) in school, grew up to become a successful and confident man. Although he's now an adult, the feelings of resentment and humiliation have remained towards black women, pushing him to only date interracially. 
• Her race isn't the only deciding factor. The one that he's attracted to most, identifies with the most, loves hanging out with the most, just so happens to be of a paler nationality. 

After hearing these answers, I do understand why black women are frustrated about interracial dating. As a black woman, we are placed into a box of generalizations by some black men who not only vehemently refuse to date their own race but relish in the fact that black women are undesirable. Too independent, too strong, too overbearing, too loud, & unwilling to try new things and be adventurous (especially in the bedroom), are common comments that I hear and read. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Yes, there are some who perpetuate the negative stereotypes but there's a large number who don't. Just like not all White women are easy, Asian women submissive, and Latina women overly sensual.

At the same time, a lot of black women aren't upset that black men are dating outside of their race. They're upset that some of these women are or have gained an attitude of superiority. How one could disrespect their own race and in turn, teach his lady how to mock his actions is beyond me. And if they have kids, how are those children going to grow embracing only half of their genetic makeup over the other?

I often hear from both black men and non black women the overused, "Christa, you aren't ratchet like other black women " to which I always respond, "I have my moments. I like some classy things, a bit of ratchet things, Northern things, Southern and international things, the list goes on. I'm unapologetically black but that doesn't limit me to do just 'black' things. And just to be clear, I am but an example of the many black women whose interests are as varied as our skin complexions."

Then I wondered if black women were as open to dating outside of their own race. I posed the same question on Facebook to my black girlfriends, associates, and classmates. Quite a few felt that trying to find a heterosexual single black man who isn't or on his to being way to being incarcerated, on drugs, and willing to settle down, was like searching for a needle in a haystack. As my friend Jacobi hilariously but truthfully said, "Eligible black men are an endangered species. Black women are left digging for the survivors of the great black male apocalypse."

Like some of my black guy friends, some of my girlfriends started dating men of other races by sheer coincidence. Others were driven by curiosity and intrigued by "something new". Dating black men only, especially when some aren't interested in dealing with black women, limited their possibilities of finding true love. Dating other races enables more options. A surprising comment was, "White men LOVE my natural hair. A lot of black men aren't as accepting. If you can't accept me, I can't be with you."

But there were also responses of black women placing men of other races on a pedestal to spite black men. "I'm going to get a white man because he won't take me for granted like a black man." Or, "I want to get married. A lot of black men aren't ready for marriage. I am and I needed to start yesterday."

Do you see how a few of these half-truths from both black women and black men further divide us a race? I have noticed that a lot of black women tend to focus on the men who don't want to date us and miss out on the ones who do. Black women may not be getting married as quickly as other races, but they're still getting married.

I was asked if I interracially date. Yes, I do. My experiences dating outside of my race have been mostly good. There was only one instance where I felt like the guy was dating me just because I'm black. Being fetishized solely because of my race was a new and unwelcoming feeling for me. Naturally, I had to sever ties with him.

I was also asked why I cared so much. Was I jealous? Was I passively aggressively coping with unresolved issues from my past? Am I against black men dating interracially? The answer to all 3 questions is no. Often times, some black men become defensive when asked instead of really thinking past their politically correct and cliche answers. We've been taught to think a certain way and when that's challenged, it's easier to deflect the truth. Everyone is entitled to their preferences but realize that some things don't add up when you pretend like your adult brain can't formulate a logic reason as to why black women are annoyed. Sometimes you just want that woman because she has a (insert physical attribute here). Stand firm in your word and walk in your talk.

So what do we want? We seek respect, not only as black women, but as human beings. Stop the public bashing. Stop allowing outside influences to dictate your treatment of black women. You're not entitled to date us if we aren't your preference. Love us for the way that we are, not the way that society portrays us.

The world is constantly evolving and life often allows us to experience situations that change how we think. While ugly truths about interracial dating do exist, that doesn't mean that we can't learn other ways of accepting all races and loving our own race at the same time.

What are your thoughts? Do you agree? Disagree? Please share your responses. Thanks for reading! Peace!